A Subtle Art Between Generosity and Clarity
Ah, friendship… That sweet weaving of bonds that makes us vibrate, laugh until our cheeks hurt, cry at times, but most importantly, grow. Away from the spotlight reserved for love or family, friendship deserves our attention with the light seriousness of tightrope walkers: for if there is a delicate art, it is understanding our expectations in a friendly relationship.
Often implicit, sometimes unrealistic, expectations can become the sand in the gears of a beautiful bond… or its springboard, as long as we recognize them, name them, and why not, adjust them.
1- Why Do We Have Expectations in Friendships?
Because we are human, of course! And building connections also involves projecting. Listening, availability, loyalty, reciprocity… Expectations arise from our values, our personal stories, our wounds sometimes, and from what the other reflects back to us.
But not all friendships are based on the same foundations. The childhood friend, the party buddy, the confidant, the colleague turned accomplice… Each occupies a different place. And this is where things get tricky: sometimes we expect from a light relationship what only a deep connection can offer. Hence the disappointments, misunderstandings, and other silent frustrations.
2- The Great Forgotten: Clarifying Expectations
How many times have we been disappointed without even expressing what we expected? It’s the classic trap: thinking the other will just know. Yet, in friendship as in any relationship, telepathy is rarely reliable.
Clarifying expectations doesn’t mean formalizing everything like a notarized contract (we see you, control freaks!). It means daring to express, simply and openly, what matters to us.
A simple example:
👉 “When I’m going through a tough time, I need to feel that my friends are there, even with just a simple message.”
This kind of sentence can change everything. It doesn’t pressure the other; it shares a need. And it gives the other the freedom to respond… or not.
3- What Expectations Reveal About Us
Where it gets interesting is that our expectations in friendships speak about us. Yes, about us, much more than about the other person. They highlight our vulnerabilities, our ways of loving, and our deep needs.
Do you expect your friend to call you every day? That may speak to your need for attention or emotional security.
Do you feel hurt when your friend organizes a party without inviting you? That probably touches your need for recognition or a sense of belonging.
Instead of judging these reactions, let’s see them as gentle signals, invitations to get to know ourselves better. Far from trapping us, they can help us build fairer and more authentic bonds.
4- The Illusion of Perfect Reciprocity
A big myth hangs over friendship: the one of perfectly balanced reciprocity at all times. It’s tempting, reassuring… but it’s also too rigid to be true.
The truth? Friendships are fluid. Sometimes, you give more. Sometimes, the other gives more. And that’s not a toxic imbalance, it’s just… life. As long as it doesn’t become an unfair or exhausting habit.
The key is to feel that, in the long run, the bond remains nourishing for both parties. If you always find yourself carrying the relationship on your shoulders, then yes, it’s time to set boundaries or reconsider the friendship.
5- When Expectations Become Traps
Some expectations are sweet. Others are traps well disguised. Here are some of the most dangerous ones:
- The expectation of fusion: wanting to be everything for the other, and have them be everything for us. It’s beautiful in songs, but suffocating in real life.
- The expectation of absolute consistency: thinking that a loyal friend should always be available, understand our silences, respond immediately, never change.
- The expectation of change: wanting the other to become more expressive, more available, more “like we’d like them to be.” Ouch. This is where we’re dangerously close to gentle manipulation.
By identifying these traps, we offer ourselves a rare gift: the gift of mature friendship. One that loves without possessing, understands without controlling, accepts without sacrificing oneself.
6- And When Expectations Aren’t Shared?
This is one of the most painful points. We may love someone sincerely… and not share the same vision of friendship. Maybe you expect deep exchanges, but the other prefers lighter relationships. Maybe you want to see each other often, but the other operates in waves.
Once again, dialogue is key. Not to convince, but to understand. And sometimes, to accept. Not all friendships are meant to last or remain at the same level of intimacy. And that’s okay.
It’s not about dramatizing, but recognizing the limits. Far from being a betrayal, it’s a sign of respect for both oneself and the other.
7- Cultivating Healthy Expectations: 5 Practical Tips
🌱 1. Differentiate need from demand
A need is legitimate. A demand freezes. Let’s remember that our friends are not there to fill our gaps, but to enrich who we already are.
🧭 2. Diversify our circles of friendship
Not expecting everything from one person lightens the pressure. One friend to laugh with, another to reflect with, another to share moments of action… That’s the richness.
💬 3. Communicate regularly, even outside of tensions
Talking about what we love in the relationship, what we’d like to strengthen… This avoids many storms.
🎯 4. Observe what we give spontaneously
We often project our own desires onto the other. If you often write without getting a reply, ask yourself whether it’s an expectation for a return or simply a way of giving unconditionally.
🧘♀️ 5. Practice flexibility
People evolve, change, go through periods of withdrawal. Not taking everything personally opens the space for lasting friendships.
Conclusion: Expectation, That Inner Compass
Expectation is neither an enemy nor a queen. It’s a compass. When aligned, it guides us toward sincere and fulfilling friendships. When it becomes too heavy, it invites introspection, expression, or distance.
Understanding our expectations in friendships means learning to love better. And that’s definitely worth a few small adjustments.
🌍 Articles en anglais :
- Friendship Expectations and Relationship Satisfaction – Journal of Social and Personal Relationships
- The Role of Reciprocity in Friendship – Psychological Bulletin
- Attachment Styles and Friendship Quality – Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
- Friendship Maintenance and Communication Patterns – Communication Research Reports
- When Expectations Clash: Friendships in Adulthood – American Sociological Review
