The Magic of Clear Expectations and Healthy Boundaries
Friends for life? Yes, but not at any cost!
Friendships are some of the most valuable relationships we have. They’re the stage for our wildest laughs, our deepest secrets, and sometimes… our biggest misunderstandings. Yes, even the best of friends can run into issues with implicit expectations, blurry boundaries, and unspoken assumptions. Thankfully, there are plenty of simple, fun (and incredibly effective) tools to keep a friendship balanced, joyful, and lasting. Follow the guide!
1- Clarifying Expectations: The Invisible Friendship Contract
When we talk about “managing expectations,” we often think of rigid, almost contractual demands. But it’s really about shedding light on what we expect from the other person—and the relationship. This can be as simple as: “I expect us to speak honestly,” or “I can’t be available every weekend, and I hope that’s okay with you.”
🎯 Tool #1: The Mirror Moment
Take 15 minutes with your friend to ask each other these two questions:
- What do I appreciate about our relationship?
- What do I sometimes miss or would dread experiencing with you?
This exchange, gentle yet honest, helps align expectations without dramatizing.
2- Daring to Set Boundaries: The Underestimated Superpower
Saying “no” without guilt, asserting your need for solitude, or setting clear rules (“No calls after 10 pm, even to talk about a breakup!”)—these actions can transform a shaky friendship into a thriving one. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re flowered hedges that define a safe space.
💪 Tool #2: The Traffic Light Game
This little game can be played alone or with a partner. It’s about categorizing behaviors or requests into three categories:
🔴 Red: Unacceptable, a real personal boundary (e.g., mocking a sensitive subject)
🟡 Orange: Uncomfortable, but negotiable (e.g., seeing each other too often)
🟢 Green: Totally fine (e.g., sending memes at any time)
Once the map is made, share it with your friend… and avoid many accidental slip-ups!
3- Communicating Without Accusing: The Art of “I” Statements Rather Than “You” Statements
“You drive me crazy when you don’t respond to my messages!” That’s the kind of sentence that puts the other person on the defensive. What if we tried instead: “I feel left out when I don’t get a response from you”? Magical, right?
🗣️ Tool #3: The OSBD Method (from Non-Violent Communication)
- Observation: Describe the facts without judgment (“I sent you 3 messages this week”)
- Feeling: Express how you feel (“I felt a bit forgotten”)
- Need: Identify the need behind the emotion (“I need to feel like I matter to you”)
- Request: Make a concrete request (“Could you respond within two days if possible?”)
This method turns tensions into stepping stones for better understanding.
4- Welcoming Disagreements as Gifts (Yes, Really)
A relationship where everyone always agrees on everything… is either a miracle or a theater of hypocrisy! Disagreements are inevitable, but they are also golden opportunities to adjust the relationship, get to know each other better, and often, grow closer.
🔍 Tool #4: The Friction Journal
Keep a small notebook (or a note on your phone) where you jot down right after:
- The disagreement
- What it taught you about yourself
- What it taught you about the other person
- What you’d like to adjust
Whether shared or kept to yourself, this journal keeps you from brooding… and helps you ride the relational waves like a pro.
5- Strengthening Relational Safety: Cultivating a Common Playground
Balanced relationships rest on a form of emotional safety. It’s the feeling that you can be yourself without fear of judgment or rejection. This is built, like a garden, with mutual attention, consistency, and, most importantly… shared joy!
🌱 Tool #5: The Complice Ritual
Set up a small, regular ritual with your friend: a Monday morning coffee, a daily meme, a wishlist to check off together… It doesn’t matter! What matters is the consistency and the joy shared. This little thread nourishes the complicity even when life gets busy.
6- Checking In Without Dramatizing: The Friendship Check-Up
Balanced relationships also deserve “check-ups,” like an old car we love. Not to question everything, but to adjust, celebrate, and sometimes… mourn what no longer works.
🔧 Tool #6: The 3-2-1 Review
Once a year, propose a small check-up over a drink or a walk:
- 3 things I love about our relationship
- 2 tough moments we’ve been through
- 1 thing I’d like us to evolve
This small format brings lightness to conversations that are sometimes avoided… and creates space for a friendship that breathes!
7- And When the Tools Aren’t Enough?
Sometimes, despite our efforts, the relationship remains painful or unbalanced. It’s tough, but it’s also a valuable signal. Accepting to distance yourself, or even end a friendship that no longer nourishes you, is an act of self-respect. And maybe, a gift to the other person too.
Conclusion
Balanced relationships don’t fall from the sky. They are cultivated, adjusted, repaired, and marveled at over time. The tools we’ve explored aren’t magic recipes, but invitations to live our friendships with awareness, curiosity, and tenderness.
And as a modern poet (aka a very wise friend) once said:
“A beautiful friendship is like a dance: sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, but always in rhythm with the other.”
Articles en anglais :
- The Power of Setting Boundaries in Friendships – Psychology Today – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-of-setting-boundaries
- Why Expectations Matter in Relationships – Greater Good Science Center – https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_expectations_matter
- Conflict Resolution in Friendships – Harvard Health – https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/conflict-resolution-in-friendships
- Emotional Safety and Friendship – Verywell Mind – https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-safety-in-relationships
- How to Maintain Friendships as Adults – The Atlantic – https://www.theatlantic.com/how-to-maintain-friendships
