The Tender and Powerful Art for Flourishing Relationships
Imagine a world where conflicts become stepping stones to greater intimacy, where disagreements turn into opportunities for growth together, and where saying “no” doesn’t push people apart but strengthens the bond. This world exists. It often begins with a simple sentence: “I’d like to talk to you about what I’m feeling.” Welcome to the gentle and demanding world of Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
1- NVC Practice: A Relational Dance Based on Listening and Authenticity
Nonviolent Communication, developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s, is not just a technique; it’s a philosophy of relationship. It is based on a radical conviction: behind every word, every behavior — no matter how clumsy or aggressive — lies a universal human need.
NVC invites us to step away from the minefield of judgments, criticisms, or accusations, and to engage in sincere listening to ourselves and others. It relies on four simple yet profoundly powerful steps:
- Observation: Describe the facts without evaluating or interpreting. Example: “When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking…”
- Feeling: Express what you feel, authentically. Example: “…I feel frustrated and a bit sad.”
- Need: Identify the need that underlies the feeling. Example: “…because I need to feel heard and important to you.”
- Request: Make a clear, concrete, and negotiable request. Example: “Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk, even if it’s just for five minutes?”
This structure is not a rigid rule; it’s a support, a backbone that helps the relationship stay alive, embodied, and honest.
Practice #1: Empathic Listening — The Art of Quieting with Love
Ah, listening! This is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can offer another. Yet, how many times do we think we’re listening, while we’re actually preparing our response, defense, or counterattack in our minds?
In NVC, empathic listening is not a passive stance. It’s full, vibrant, and silent. It’s not about advising, explaining, or reassuring but about connecting with the other person in what they are experiencing.
Example: Your partner comes home from work upset: “I can’t stand my boss, they’re suffocating me!” The temptation is strong to respond: “But you know, they’re stressed too,” or “You should talk to them honestly.”
Empathic listening, on the other hand, might sound like:
“You’re feeling overwhelmed and at your wit’s end, right? You might need more autonomy, perhaps?”
No solution. No judgment. Just a presence that says: I hear you, I’m here.
Practice #2: Self-Empathy — When Tenderness Starts with Yourself
Before we can offer empathy to others, it’s essential to offer it to ourselves. Self-empathy is that magical moment when we stop to welcome what’s happening inside us, without censorship or shame.
A small example from daily life: you send an important message and receive no reply. Instead of stewing (“They’re ignoring me,” “I don’t matter”), you can ask yourself:
What am I feeling? Maybe anxiety, sadness.
What do I need? Perhaps clarity, consideration, a sense of security in the connection.
And from there, decide how to act — not to relieve discomfort at any cost, but to care for what’s alive in you.
When practiced regularly, this transforms inner storms into spaces of calm. It invites slowing down, breathing, loving our imperfect humanity.
Practice #3: Compassionate Reformulation — When Words Connect Rather than Hurt
Nonviolent Communication also suggests translating hostile messages into the language of the heart.
Example: A colleague says: “You’re messing everything up, your project is a disaster!”
You have two options:
- React defensively or aggressively,
- Or translate:
“Are you worried about the quality of the project? Would you need it to be more structured?”
This is not weakness. It’s radically powerful. It’s taking responsibility for transforming verbal violence into understanding, without betraying yourself. It requires courage. And, let’s be honest, a bit of practice.
Practice #4: Dare to Ask… and Accept the “No”
Asking, truly asking, is exposing oneself. It’s admitting a desire, extending a hand, risking vulnerability. And yet, making a clear request can save many toxic unspoken words.
But there’s a catch: if I ask, the other person might say “no.”
And that stings.
NVC invites us to hear the “no” not as a rejection of us, but as the expression of a different need.
This “no” can be translated as: “I’m saying no to your request, but I’m saying yes to a need that is also important to me.”
It’s a meeting ground. Sometimes slippery. Sometimes delightful. But always fertile.
Practice #5: The Relational Sensuality of Truth
NVC isn’t about being nice. It’s about being truthful. It’s sometimes saying things that are uncomfortable, but saying them with such awareness of the connection, such tenderness, that truth becomes a caress. Yes, a caress. Even when it tickles or stings a little.
Example: “When you make jokes about my weight in front of others, I feel humiliated. I need respect and trust in our communication. Would you be willing to talk about it privately next time if something bothers you?”
NVC doesn’t erase conflicts. It gives them a poetic structure, a breath. It makes deep conversations sexier than bitter reproaches. And that is an art of living.
2- NVC Practice in Daily Life
These five practices can transform interactions at work, in relationships, with children, or friends. But be cautious: NVC isn’t something that’s decreed, it’s something to be practiced.
Here are some tips to anchor it into daily life:
- Write down your feelings and needs every night in a small journal.
- Practice empathic listening with a friend: each person takes turns, without interruption, for 5 minutes.
- Play at translating judgments you hear or express (e.g., “He’s selfish” becomes “I need more sharing in our relationship”).
- Create conscious communication rituals with your partner or family: set aside time each week to share without interruption, using the NVC structure.
In Conclusion: NVC Practice, a Path to the Eroticism of Connection
Yes, NVC is sometimes demanding. It asks us to give up being right, manipulating, or controlling. But in exchange, it offers relationships of rare quality: more intimate, more free, more daring.
It’s a living practice, even sensual — because it rehabilitates the desire to be touched, seen, and understood. It shines a light in the dark areas. It makes connection a living, flexible, surprising material.
So, are you ready to join the dance?
Sources :
- Nonviolent Communication: Language of Life, Marshall Rosenberg – PuddleDancer Press
👉 https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/aboutnvc/aboutnvc.htm - The Science Behind Nonviolent Communication, site Greater Good Science Center – Berkeley
👉 https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_science_behind_nonviolent_communication - Nonviolent Communication and Emotional Intelligence, site Psychology Today
👉 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-main-ingredient/201805/nonviolent-communication-and-emotional-intelligence - Empathy in Nonviolent Communication: A Neuropsychological Perspective, site Frontiers in Psychology
👉 https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01421/full - Compassionate Communication Improves Relationship Quality, site The Journal of Positive Psychology
👉 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/17439760.2012.758306
