The Playful Art of Setting limits and express needs in Friendship
“What we don’t say gets imprinted, then expressed… often at the wrong time.”
— Anonymous, but clearly inspired.
Friends! These radiant beings who know exactly when to show up with croissants… or precisely when we needed silence. Living fulfilling friendships is truly an art. And at the heart of this web of emotions and attachments lies a delicate yet essential practice: communicating needs and boundaries. Sensitive topic? Yes. Fundamental? A thousand times yes.
What if we dared to speak up… with lightness?
1- Why is it so difficult to say what we feel?
There are words we swallow. Requests we mull over. “Nos” we think quietly. Why? Fear of rejection, of hurting someone, of coming off as “too much.” Too demanding, too fragile, too distant. In a culture where friendship is meant to be spontaneous, unconditional, almost magical, expressing our needs can feel out of place, even threatening.
And yet, a lasting relationship is one that breathes. One that welcomes imperfection, unshared desires, and different rhythms. Communicating isn’t damaging the bond. On the contrary, it’s nurturing it with care.
2- Needs & Boundaries: Two Words for an Inner Compass
Before speaking to the other, we must listen to ourselves. Our needs are precious indicators of what makes us feel good: the need for recognition, rest, intimacy, spontaneity, depth… Our boundaries indicate the borders of our well-being. When they are crossed, we feel insecure, irritated, drained.
⚠️ Common trap: Believing that a good friend should guess our needs. Spoiler: even the best friends can’t read minds (and thank goodness for that).
3- Three Misconceptions to Discard:
- “Setting my boundaries is selfish.”
➤ No, it’s self-respect — and showing the other how to truly love us. - “If I say what I feel, I’ll be seen as too intense.”
➤ What if they saw you as… authentic? Intensity is scary, especially when it stays buried. - “If I say no, I’ll lose the other person.”
➤ Saying no is sometimes offering a real yes: to the relationship, to mutual respect, to sincerity.
4- Communicating with Panache: The “How” That Changes Everything
Are you nervous about telling your friend you’d rather not get 8-minute voice messages at 7 a.m.? Don’t worry. There are countless ways to express a boundary with tact… and a touch of humor.
Here are some ingredients for a relationship-savvy communication:
- I speak in “I”
→ “I feel overwhelmed when we change plans at the last minute.” - I speak about myself, not the other
→ Avoid “you never respect anything” in favor of “I need to feel considered in the plans we make together.” - I am specific
→ The more vague, the more frustrating. Clearly state what works for you and what doesn’t. - I open a dialogue, not a courtroom
→ How about finishing with a question: “How do you see this?” - I stay playful
→ “Hey, if you could send your voice notes after 10 a.m., my right ear would be forever grateful.”
5- Different Needs Aren’t a Threat
One wants to share everything, the other enjoys solitude. One loves large gatherings, the other prefers one-on-one moments. Our ways of being friends are as diverse as our musical tastes. And that’s a good thing!
Communicating your needs isn’t about imposing your way of doing things, but an invitation to co-create. A mature friendship relies on a dynamic balance: we make room for each other, even adjusting the dance step over time.
6- What If the Other Doesn’t Respond Well to What I Say?
Sometimes, despite all the kindness in the world, the other person reacts badly. They shut down. They get offended. They see a questioning where there was only sincere sharing. It’s painful, yes. But that’s no reason to swallow our truths.
🌱 Remember: self-respect is the soil for respecting others.
If your needs never find an echo, maybe it’s time to examine the quality of the bond.
7- Setting Boundaries is Also Saying Yes to Friendship
It’s an astonishing paradox: the more I show up as I am, the more the relationship has a chance to last. Saying no is making space for sincere yeses. Expressing discomfort is giving the other person the chance to truly join us. Saying we need space is sometimes the only way to avoid slamming the door later.
8- Three Small Rituals to Try
- The “Friendly Check-in”
→ Once a quarter, take a moment with your friend to freely exchange: “How do you feel about our relationship? Is there something that could flow better between us?” - The Mirror Message
→ When tension arises, write a message where you rephrase what you’ve understood about the other’s position before expressing your own. - The “Joyful No”
→ Practice saying no with a smile and a touch of poetry: “I’ll pass this time, but I send you a bouquet of enthusiasm for the next one!”
Conclusion
Communicating needs & boundaries is far from being an act of rupture. It’s an act of commitment. It’s saying to the other: “You matter to me, enough for me to be honest with you.” It’s offering a space of freedom within a bond. It’s dancing to the rhythm of sincerity, rather than the forced step of unspoken truths.
What if you dared to share a small, gentle truth in a cherished relationship this week? Perhaps at the end of that “no,” there’s a new “us” waiting.
Sources :
- Psychology Today – “How to Set Boundaries in Relationships”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ - Greater Good Magazine – “The Power of Assertive Communication”
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/ - Harvard Health – “Why expressing needs improves relationships”
https://www.health.harvard.edu/ - Mind.org.uk – “Setting boundaries in friendship”
https://www.mind.org.uk/ - American Psychological Association – “Emotional intelligence and healthy relationships”
https://www.apa.org/
